Incredibly foolish?

So I just did something that is either going to help or hurt me. I'm a coward either way but at least he'll know now.
Yeah that's right. I sent an email to hubby telling him...rather subtly...that I have a problem and I need help. I'm scared he'll laugh at me...or try and force me to get better...or that he'll never read the email at all. But at leas I told him. In a way anyways. I just...I'm two pounds from my first UGW...and I already know that it won't be enough. I told you guys before that having a child meant more to me...and I was serious about it.

I'm scared because...what if I go into remission (tobf is right there really is no recovery...more like remission that some of us are lucky enough to achieve full time)...and hubby says we aren't having kids? I know I'll be at square one again. This time no stopping. But I have to try don't I?
Am I being stupid?
Am I trying for something yet again that is just unattainable?

Don't worry guys. I love you all. I won't stop blogging...and regardless of if I remiss or not...I'll encourage and keep track of you all. You guys have helped me so much. And like I said...nothing may happen...I just want to know...am I trying to reach for something that isn't there?

I actually want to go and erase the email. I know I can't and it's sent and all. But. I just don't know anymore. Now I'm having secondthoughts. "You don't need help! You were fine! 115 is too fat! You haven't reached your goal! Quitter just like your father!"

Now I want to hide.
I'm scared guys. Scared of losing more...scared of hubby's reactions...scared of getting help.

Anyways. I'll post another story tomorrow. Or tonight if hubby goes out. I love you guys! Please be safe! Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

-the Silent (spazzing) Observer-